Have We Come A Long Way, Baby?

Have We Come A Long Way, Baby?

            Back in the sixties I lived in a household of violence.  At age ten I awoke to the sound of my mother’s head, repeatedly slamming the kitchen wall.  I tiptoed into our kitchen to see my father holding a gun to Mom’s head; he turned, saw me, and stopped; however, the beatings never stopped.

            Now at 54, I wonder: have we come a long way, baby?  Recently I read this headline: “Priest hits solo singer over the head with a wine bottle when she refused his sexual advances at Our Lady of Las Vegas church.”  Maybe, I thought, a woman’s value has not increased. 

            A library visit revealed few books on abuse.  One had a pristine spine.  In the 18^th century wives were considered chattel, or property, of their husband’s.  If she defied his authority, he was legally entitled to physically punish her.

            In 1920, the suffragettes, after a long battle, won a woman’s right to vote. 

            In the 1970’s, Gloria Steinem spearheaded “The Women’s Rights Movement,” which was challenged by the validity of a husband’s right to beat his wife, still considered a private matter, not a criminal act.  This movement also challenged the family privacy concept, which had placed a protective shield in front of offenders.

            During the next two decades the criminal justice system faced pressure to protect women from domestic violence, but failed.

            In 1994, President Clinton signed into law “The Violence Against Women Act,” or VAWA.  In 1998, large federal resources were combined with tough penalties, but actual enforcement of the law had been described as “underutilized”.

            On October 28, 2000, President Clinton signed bill H.R.3244 into law, the “Victims of Trafficking and Violence Protection Act,” which contained a five-year reauthorization of VAWA.

            On January 5, 2006, President George W. Bush, Jr. Signed the VAWA 2005 reauthorization into law (Public Law No: 109-162) – almost a full century after women had won the right to vote.

            Globally, in 2007, many women and children still lack the fundamental human rights not to be physically, emotionally and verbally abused; trafficked into the sex trade; raped; mutilated genitally; burned alive; murdered and even murdered while pregnant.

            Based on my childhood experiences, I asked my mother if I could interview her for this article and she agreed.  The year is 1954.  In The Glass Chapel overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Palos Verdes, California, my mother stands at 17, wearing a wedding dress she had not picked out; standing next to her soon-to-be husband her father had picked out.  Like a parrot she repeats her vows, including “till death do us part”, to my father.  Nine months later, my brother was born; eighteen months later, I came along. 

            She was June Cleaver from “Leave it to Beaver”.  My father, was an Andy Garcia lookalike at 26 and the sole breadwinner.  According to 1950’s rules: Mom depended on Dad financially; Dad depended on Mom to raise us kids, keep the house clean and have dinner ready when he got home.  I remember a haunting black-and-white photo one Easter.  It portrayed Mom beautifully dressed, but with a blackened eye.  At age 36, my father died of Lupus; I was 11.  I had seen my mother cry more than I ever saw her smile.

The Interview

            In May, 2007, my mother and stepdad visited.  We settled into the wing back chairs in my parlor.  These are my questions she thoughtfully answered:

Q:        I know you were 16 and Dad was 24 when you met.  During the courtship was he a romantic?

A:         Yes.  We’d go out to eat; flowers; compliments; very attentive.  Big sexual attraction.

Q:        Did the family think he was charming?

A:         My folks loved him.  My brothers loved him because he was a nice Italian boy.  (Silent chuckles).

Q:        Were there any signs while dating?

A:         Secretive.  Cheated on me.  He didn’t show up after school one day.  I walked into Curry’s for a soda and there he was, nose-to-nose, knees-to-knees on a bar stool, a 150-pound-low-class-dirty girl; I weighed 105 pounds.

Later we talked.  We were to be engaged.  I said, “That’s it, I don’t want a ring.”  Two weeks went by.  Local high school boys read him the riot act.  Again we talked.  He said  he was sorry and would never do it again.  Gave me two dozen yellow roses.

Q:        How would you describe his personality?

A:         Moody; happy; he would joke around.  Pleasant – turn on a dime.  Mentally abusive.  He told me I did not cook well or clean good enough.  I had two babies 18 months apart, the laundry and the household.

Q:        How long did the honeymoon last?

A:         Two to three years.  His health was bad.  In ’58 we moved out of his parents’ house to our own home.  He was very moody, no friends or visitors.  He would tell my parents, “This is not a good time.”  Control freak.  It took a long time for a [lupus] diagnosis.  When he got it, he became agitated.  He would pace at night with sweats, chills and fever.  Three times a night I changed the sheets, then went to work.  He went bald.  He went from kissable to looking like he was 60 years old.  His libido and erection were lost.  He would try half the night and if he could not get one, he would yell at me.  This was a nightly ordeal.  He got sicker and meaner, but not at my parents.

Q:        Do you remember the circumstances the first time it got physical?

A:         He got frustrated because he was unable to have sex.  At this point there was still no diagnosis.  He paced back and forth, shook me, said if he couldn’t, I couldn’t.  He would try all night.

Q:        What would you tell yourself when abuse would happen?

A:         If I was prettier; if the house was cleaner.

Q:        What inside you made it okay to get abused?

A:         As a child I was a non person.  My brothers got shoes, clothes, college; I was last.  I was just a workhorse who took care of her younger brothers while my parents worked.

Q:        What would trigger him?

A:         You never knew it was coming.

Q:        What would he say?

A:         Nothing.  (pause)  He’d say, “What the hell you been doing all day long?”

Q:        Did you tell anyone?

A:         No, no one.

Q:        Could you feel the abusive behaviors building?

A:         When he got sick, he would leave for three days at a time, return full of tension and say he did not want to be married, divide the house or pay child support.  He always referred to you kids as, “Your children”.

Q:        I remember as a child moving back and forth to grandma’s.  What made you decide to leave for good?

A:         I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  We were already living with grandma.  He was at work.  I went to the house, opened the trunk, put in our clothes and shoes, slammed it and left.  I thought: “They can burn this place down; I don’t care.”  I had asked your grandma if we could stay there permanently; that was one of the only times my mother put her arms around me and said, “Sure you can”.  (Crying).

Q:        Did the violence escalate after you said you were leaving?

A:         Yes.  Even after the divorce he stalked me at work and the house.

Q:        Did he ever threaten to take us away from you?

A:         No.

Q:        I now know Dad was diagnosed right after I was born.  Did he use his illness to manipulate you into staying together?

A:         Not for me to stay, but for him to get what he wanted, the house.  But my father knew a lawyer.  The divorce was in my favor so you kids would have a place to live.

Q:        Why not say something bad about Dad if it was the truth?

A:         He was your father.  I didn’t think you would believe me.  As you got older, you would see for yourself.

Q:        In hindsight, what do you most regret?

A:         The first (sic) time he cheated, I would have left the house and not seen him again.  I would have focused more on you kids.

Q:        Why didn’t you counsel me about this type of man and the dangers of this type of relationship?

A:         (Long pause)  I will have to think about it.

(Three days later)  I thought you knew because you were there and saw me get my head hit against the wall.  And that’s a poor excuse, I know.  I thought you would be leery of men because of what you had observed.

            In closing this interview, I give you Mom’s footnote:  “My whole experience through illness was that my children and I ceased to exist.  No one asked me: ‘How are your children?  Are they okay?’  And, ‘How are you holding up?’ 

            “That was it; people just didn’t.”

Current events

            This past October was Domestic Violence Awareness month.  Presently 1 in 4 women and 15.5 million children are affected by domestic violence.  Most abused women will never be famous, but some are: Rihanna, Tyra Banks; Nicole Simpson Brown and Maya Angelou.  The state of Nevada has the highest death rate of women victims killed by men as a result of domestic violence.  On October 27, 2010, President Obama announced initiatives for domestic violence survivors.  This indicates to me that the centuries old problem of domestic violence has not declined, but continues to increase. 

            These initiatives will result in greater legal protections and protection of survivor victims from being kicked out of a home because of abuse.  Also, through pilot projects, some cities are providing pro bono legal services.

The Top Ten Signs of an Abusive Man

            According to abuse expert Stephany Alexander, B.A., Author & Woman’s Speaker.

1.      Jealousy & Possessiveness.

2.      Control.

3.      Superiority.

4.      Manipulates.

5.      Mood Swings.

6.      Actions don’t match words.

7.      Punishes you.

8.      Unwilling to seek help.

9.      Disrespects women.

10.  Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself.

For the full article see: www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?id=28889.

Silence is deadly here.  I urge you to speak honestly and openly to your daughters about these warning signs and the damage of domestic violence abuse.  Let’s arm the next generation with knowledge, for knowledge is power.  History does not have to repeat itself.

Bibliography

Internet:

http://www.amnestyusa.org/women/index.do

http://www.feminist.org

 

Interview:

Bloomfield, Michaeline, in person, May 31, 2007

Books:

Gerdes, Louise, Battered Women, Greenhaven Press, 1999.

Hayward, Ruth, Finney, Breaking the Earthenware Jar: Lessons from South Asia to End Violence Against Women and Girls, UNICEF Regional Office for South Asia, 2000.